i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
