The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
