im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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