There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I cannot find my penis.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
