I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
