I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
