I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
