thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
