dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
