Please don't use social media to get back at me.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I could fuck to npr.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
