You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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