I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i think i just lost a toe
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
