Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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