Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
