I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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