sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
