I CAN MOONWALK!
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Randomize
