I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
