yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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