i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just blew my weed a kiss
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
