Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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