Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
