sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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