Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
