Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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