im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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