I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
