I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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