Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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