That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
