I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Pooping to opera.
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