somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
