Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
