cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
