I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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