we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
