I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
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