He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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