Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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