What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
