I am puke
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
