hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
