I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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