Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
