if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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