Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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