Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
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