Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
