I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
