What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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