and you said cock pushups were impossible
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
