Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
