i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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