My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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