why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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